Ladies: How To Get What You Want From Him

The best thing we can do for ourselves and our mates is to learn to ask for what we want -- boldly, baldly and in detail -- both in and out of the bedroom.

Women in particular we need to learn to express their needs, rather than suffer in silence. Men are not mind readers. Evidence points to the fact that they process emotions differently, they handle their feelings differently and demonstrate their needs in a fashion unlike women.

This should come as a relief to the female gender, as it means that just because a guy doesn’t get what you’re putting out doesn’t mean he is trying to punish, attempting to ignore or failing to prioritize you. A man’s actions are likely not demonstrating an underlying agenda meant to hurt your feelings.

It is vital to understand a couple of rules from the start. First, no other person is responsible for your happiness or daily well-being. You are the person who has to handle that role. Second, it is wrong to impose your expectations on another person. Just because you are married, because a guy is serving as your boyfriend, does not mean that his new job in life is to act as you please or to fulfill a role you have carefully laid out for him in your heart or imagination.

Begin with yourself. Investigate when and where you are experiencing a lack of support and what type of support you hope to gain. Is it a kind word? Do you need a loving touch? Or is there a chore with which you really need his assistance? It isn’t adequate to say you feel you aren’t getting enough love, that you wish he would show you more attention. You have to do your homework, and figure out what can help you through those moments where you need a little extra from another person.

Learn to self-soothe. You may want a significant other to make everything all right, but that does not help either person involved. It harms the relationship. Dependency and desperation are not attractive, they aren’t fun, and they aren’t sustainable. You will drain the person who has to perform constant maintenance on your emotional well-being. Do your own maintenance. Just like you get the oil changed in the car, handle your baggage. Exercise, see a therapist, take time away if you need a break from stress. If you need to find greater meaning, consider a spiritual path or volunteering. Get yourself outside of the dynamic where it is you playing off of him.

Once you understand what might help you through a given situation, speak up. Approach him while he is not busy or engaged in some other activity. Wait until you have his attention to make your request. When you speak, don’t threaten; don’t blame, drag up past failures or disappointments; and don’t make the conversation last more than a few sentences. Instead, simply tell him what you want and when you want it, but remember you are making a request, not a demand. Be specific and detailed.

For example, if you are feeling emotionally vulnerable at a certain time of day and all you need to turn it around is to share a close moment, tell your mate, “I would like you to come up to me in the first ten minutes after I arrive home from work and give me a long hug.” In that sentence you tell him what you want, when you want it and in detail.

Make a very specific request, if you have one. If you love being kissed, but wish he’d do that cool move where the guy cups the back of your head in his hand at the same time, describe it, demonstrate if need be, and ask him to do it. He wants you to be happy. He can’t magically know that your favorite spot to be kissed is the side of your neck. Want to wait years for him to maybe happen upon it, or do you want to put it out there and see what happens?

Do not abuse the system. You cannot attempt to program your partner’s entire day with filling your needs. If he is failing to do so, it is not a lack on his part; it is a problem of yours. Other people are not here to fix you, save you or complete you. If you are consistently needy, feeling unloved or unlovable in a greater sense, the place to begin the repairs is within.

But when it comes to little thrills, small differences that would mean a lot in your daily life, there is nothing wrong with asking for a little help or a small adjustment. What man isn’t going to be able to run the numbers and see that for a tiny investment on his part he will reap enormous returns from your good graces?

Try it. Next time you don’t quite get what you want, don’t withdraw, don’t try to punish him or waste your effort wishing he could understand on his own. Speak up! You’re a grown woman! He’ll get to know what you like, you’ll get what you’re craving, and everyone will be happier for it.